Am I a Monster?
by Warrior of Camelot
Summary: Colin reflects on his "role" of Merlin... What better way then to tie it into a song?


AN: Hey all you wonderful people out there! Here is another Colin/Merlin story. Written with **FanOfRandomThings!**

It is recommended that you listen to Monster by Imagine Dragons while reading this or at least know the song.

"Hey, have you listened to that new album?" Colin marched up to Bradley on set.

"What are you talking about?" Bradley asked, as the crew speed walked around them and the director called for them to take ten. "Be a bit more specific."

"It's called... Uh, what's it called again? Oh, it's by Imagine Dragons! Dragons, like Pendragon?" Colin grinned.

"Yes Colin, I get it," Bradley answered. "What about it?"

"I feel like some of their songs are sort of like Merlin, you know?"

"Not really," Bradley replied, "I don't really listen to them."

"Oh..." Colin looked disappointed.

"But... Tell me about it sometime?" Bradley asked. "I have to go talk with Angel about this next scene."

Colin frowned slightly as Bradley ran off, and he sighed. He was almost always the odd one out, he always had been. Once upon a time he'd seen his differences as something to hinder him and change him, but now he'd just accepted he'd always have to find times when he was forced to just be alone.

He had learned a few things that he no longer worried about... Much. Bradley was his friend and accepted him for who he was, not that he had any idea who he really was. No one ever did, but Colin didn't mind, really. He was only a man with memories to guide him, and those memories followed him everyday.

MMM

Merlin walked along the ramparts of the citadel, thinking about what had happened earlier that week.

~flashback~

Merlin looked around wildly for Arthur as the other knights fought the bandits surrounding them on three sides. The other side played host to a huge cliff that shot up above the knights' heads.

He gasped when, as the fight ended, he finally saw Arthur with his back pressed against a wall, his sword on the ground a few feet away from him.

The bandit in front of him wasn't any older than seventeen, at least two years younger than Merlin himself. He watched as the knights tried to decide what to do, they didn't want to hurt a kid, but he was threatening the crown prince.

"Don't come any closer!" The boy's voice wavered with something close to fear. "I'll kill him!"

Arthur growled and lunged for the boy, being driven back considering he had no weapon. The boy's eyes hardened, and his grip on the sword tightened, ready to make a blow anyway. The knights still hesitated.

Merlin looked up toward some teetering rocks on the top of the cliff and made a quick decision.

Arthur mattered more.

He quickly chanted the spell that would bring the rocks down then yelled as the rocks came tumbling down.

"Arthur look out!"

Arthur had dodged out of the way, however there was a scream as the boy was crushed beneath the fall. All of the knights winced.

"Poor lad," one muttered. "I wouldn't wish that on anyone."

Merlin rushed over to see if Arthur was okay.

"Arthur?" He asked. "Are you okay?"

"Of course," Arthur dusted himself off. "What happened to the kid?"

"He... Uh." Merlin stuttered for a moment before pointing wordlessly to the pile of rocks.

"Oh," Arthur paled.

"I'm sorry," Merlin looked away, blinking hard.

"Poor kid. Not your fault, though. Wish it could have been avoided. I wish there'd been another way, but sometimes... Things just happen," Arthur sighed. "Don't look so sad, it's not like you could have prevented it!"

Merlin just shook his head and shuffled off to find out if any of the horses had stayed in the area.

~End flashback~

He hadn't known what to do. It'd been a split second decision, and he had to protect Arthur, right? The other knights had tried to spare the kid, though. Was he more ruthless than a knight who had been trained to kill?

Every since Merlin could remember he had wanted to be more like Arthur and the knights, he wanted to be able to fight in front of people rather than hiding behind trees and secretly protecting Arthur. He wanted to be the same as everyone else.

He didn't want to be one of those knights who did it all for the glory, though, he just wanted people to understand him. He'd tried forcing himself and learning to be like them, but he always ended up making a fool of himself and looking more out of place. He always gave up in the end.

He had always wondered what it would be like if he revealed to them his best kept secret? His magic. Would they accept him? He didn't know. Would they see him as an enemy? As something wild and dangerous? Would they be frightened of him? He'd certainly understand if they did. He'd proved last week he'd go to any length, no matter how far or how dark, to save the prince.

He'd proved he could be ruthless if push came to shove. Was it bad? Was he loyal to point where he could turn dark inside and still think he was in the right? Was there something wrong with him?

He had one purpose, one destiny. That was too keep Arthur alive so he could reunite the lands and kingdoms. He didn't have a choice on how he did that, the only thing that mattered was keeping Arthur alive. Should he change his ways? Should he stop, pause, and spare lives at the possible cost of Arthur? Why was he even asking these questions? How could he go on killing just a spare the death of a single person? He really was a monster, and the more determined he was the save Arthur, the more of a monster he became. The more he practiced this way of living the more he felt the urge to do anything he could to protect Arthur.

He wondered if he could ever make it right? Start over? Did he have too? He had magic, the knights only had their swords. He was better equipped to protect the future king then they were. He shouldn't have to run and hide in fear of his life just because he was magic!

He had never planned to make it his life goal to protect a prince. When he's first heard of his destiny, he'd shook his head and said that the prophecy must have been referring to another Arthur because this one was a prat. He'd never wanted or imagined the burden of being someone from prophesy, but now that he was, Merlin was obsessed with it. He had become obsessive about keeping The Once and Future King from harm.

He couldn't stop doing what he was doing, no matter how hard he tried. It didn't matter that his life was consumed by this pattern of save the prince, heal, rest, repeat. It was his life. Was he a monster? No, he was just loyal and determined, right? He couldn't be a monster, even if he would always be the odd one out.

MMM

"Colin?" Bradley asked, "Are you okay?"

Colin glanced up, pulling his earbuds out and smiling quickly.

"Nah, just enjoying the new songs. You probably wouldn't like them much, so don't worry about it. How'd it go with Angel?" Merlin's smile was a bit forced, however it didn't falter.

"I think we got it down." Bradley said, "Did you want to explain to me the deep dark meaning about your music now? I'm available for the next three minutes."

Colin laughed and shrugged.

"Thinking about it, you probably wouldn't like it much anyway," Colin shrugged.

"No, I would rather you tell me then have you brood about it all day long and Katie get on me for not listening when you need me too."

Colin laughed, however he shrugged and nodded.

"I dunno, it just reminds me of Merlin. It's all about this person who had to hide secrets all the time, and he thinks he's a monster but in reality he does what he does because he has to, and it's tearing him up inside. He's the very complicated and injured person singing the song."

"Um..." Bradley looked a little frightened at Colin's explanation. "That is um... Very nice Colin. Why don't you go explain that to um... Katie! I'm sure she would love to hear it. What's that? Oh I have to run Colin, I think I hear Angel calling me. Bye!"

Colin frowned as Bradley ran off. Of course he'd get freaked out! That was a terrible way to explain the song... But it was kind if true. Still, Colin regretted the way he'd carried through with that. Bradley was normal as normal could be, just like Arthur, he didn't get stuff like that.

Once again, Colin had scared off a friend, and the friend didn't even know half the secrets Colin harboured. If Colin ever tried to tell anyone, that either think he was crazy or telling a joke in poor taste, and neither sounded like a good choice.

Colin was once again the odd one out, and once again he was showing his darker side, the side no one wanted to see. He wasn't a monster, he wasn't! He just had to remember: this was the 21st century and there was a standard for normal, just like the knights had once had a standard for normal. Colin wouldn't cross that line, he would never again be a monster.

-the end-

~deleted scene~

"Katie, I am not having another 'bonding time' with your boyfriend! He is insane!"

"He's your friend too Bradley! Don't call him insane."

"Well he is! Did you hear what he said about that song by Imagine Whatever they are called? It was so creepy."

"Imagine Dragons? Yeah, Colin loves that band, he doesn't really tell me anything about the songs. He says it's more your type of thing to hear."

"It is so not my type of music! He is so..."

"Bradley, if you call him insane one more time I'll call him in here so you two can work out your problems."

"..."

"Will you be nice to Colin now?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good, now get going. Colin told me you're going to get pizza today and he's very excited. Don't be late."

"But what if he want to tell me about more of his insa... His very lovely music I don't want to hear about?"

"You'll listen to whatever he asks of you or risk having a squabble which won't work on set and then I'll take you both in a trailer and make you work out your problems. Have fun!"

"But why... Okay okay I'm leaving now!"

"Ta ta. Oh, Colin just texted me, he is ready to go. You're late! Get a move on! You make poor Colin wait for you and then you call him insane!"

"I'm leaving now, you might be as insane as he is, your perfect for each other. Cya later!"

"Bradley!"

**Hope you enjoyed it!**


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